Why Can't I Hate You?
by Walaz
Summary: Shounen ai. The title says it all, Cloud muses.


**Disclaimer: **Final Fantasy VII belongs to Squaresoft, or Square Enix or whatever it's called now, but definitely not to me.

**A/N:** This is my first FF7 fic, but it was this game that introduced me to the wonderful world of fanfiction. I actually haven't played the game in two years or so, because I'm one of the bad, awful, mean people that own a copy of the original came (but for my defence I say that I got the copy from the man who sold us the PlayStation itself, so _I didn't copy it_), and my 'new' PS2 won't play it. So because of that sad fact there may be some mistakes in the fic. But if you can put up with that and the possible mistakes in grammar (English isn't my native language), please enjoy! …And I won't bite if you review.

**Warnings:** male/male relationships and spoilers.

* * *

It's in these dark hours of the night when I can't sleep that I start thinking. 

It's been a year since the Meteor hit Midgar. Almost all of the Midgar residents that hadn't been evacuated died in the impact. I guess that the Lifesteam is still repairing the wound left by the Meteor, but I can't say for certain since I haven't been in Midgar even once after the Meteor.

I went back to Nibelheim and bought back my old house from the old woman living in there. I still don't exactly know what happened to the town after it burned down six years ago, when it was rebuilt or why the residents don't remember it being burnt down?

'I don't exactly know what happened…' Hah, I couldn't describe it better; I'm not even sure what happened during the time we were fighting for the world. It all seems like a dream, my whole life has seemed like a dream for the past six or seven years.

If my friends knew what my thoughts are like during these long nights, they'd be shocked. Luckily I don't see them often enough for letting them know. Although, even if they lived with me I would never let them see my thoughts, I'm ashamed of them.

All I keep thinking of is _him_…

One would say it's only natural for me to be thinking of him, of the things he did, of the lives he took… Only I'm not thinking of them, not in the way they expect me to.

I was thirteen years old the first time I saw his picture in the front page of a ShinRa newspaper. Few days later I saw him on TV, I sat as close to the screen as possible and my mother scolded me for it probably a hundred times, but I wasn't even listening, everything else became indifferent as long as I could see him.

It didn't take long for me to understand that my interest in him was more than just idolization. It wasn't idolization that made my heart beat wildly in my chest, or made my cheeks flush… or, in older age, make my blood rush to other places in my body. I quickly understood that is was desire, desire to be like him. I wanted to have his strength, his achievements, his fame, his looks, everything. So, I joined SOLDIER.

He changed my life… twice. Once for the better (if you want to think so), then for the worse.

He was the cause of the death of my mother and friends and the burning down of my hometown.

Yet, I can't blame him for it. I didn't know him well, since I only met him twice.

The first time was when I was still in the ShinRa SOLDIER training centre. It was a rainy night, well past midnight. I had grown tired of my room mate's and his friends' jokes, so I had fled to the lobby where I sat listening to the peaceful snoring of the receptionist and watched as the raindrops descended to the cold ground.

Then I saw him coming towards the big glass doors from the rainy darkness of the night. He was walking straight and calmly, not caring one bit about the chilling raindrops that beat against his face and body. He opened the door and my heart jumped in my chest. He was even more striking sight in person than in any newspaper or TV show. His long, wet hair was shining like real silver in the bright light of the lobby and it stuck to his black leather coat. Drops of water trailed down said coat and his bare chest until they disappeared in the shadows of the leather straps wrapped around his torso under the coat. I followed his every move as he walked straight to the counter and asked for a document after waking the receptionist with a light cough. After receiving the document he had asked for from the nervous receptionist he said a formal 'thank you' and started walking towards the door.

The whole time I had secretly hoped that he would turn to look at me, and when he did, all colour disappeared from my face. His emerald eyes pierced me with their gaze and the slit pupil fixed on me, and I became as nervous as the receptionist had been, even though he hadn't caught me taking a nap during work hours. Though cold, his eyes weren't violent, I couldn't have imagined them on a person who cold heartedly destroyed a whole town. After a short time what felt like an eternity, he turned and walked away, back to the night. I watched after him until I couldn't make out even his brilliant hair from the darkness.

The next time I saw him was when we were on the mission in Nibelheim, and as a mere troop I didn't dare to talk to him. So, I can't say that I knew him well, if all for that matter. But Zack, who had been with him on many missions, who could even be called his friend, told me that he hadn't been himself when he destroyed my hometown, that fact made it even more impossible for me to blame him for destroying my hometown.

Zack told me that he had lost his mind before he destroyed Nibelheim. If that was the case, I can understand his actions. After all, during the time we were hunting him down I wasn't exactly sane the whole time, and that made me do stupid things, like giving him the Keystone and the Black Materia. We were both insane; we're more alike than anyone would want to admit. Is that why I can't completely hate him? Because were similar?

No. My insanity isn't like his, my insanity never cost lives. Except that if you want to think that by giving him the Black Materia I'm responsible for all the deaths the Meteor caused, and I almost killed Aeris. But I'm not going on that road, I don't want to start feel guilty over that too, I'm having enough agony with these thoughts of mine already. Besides, he's the one who manipulated me and made me do all that. But still, I can't hate him. There's something bigger in my disability for hating him than our similarity.

He went crazy after realizing the truth about his mother, about his birth, about the Jenova project. He was trying to bring justice for his mother and himself, in other words he was doing it all for love. But he didn't have all the information, he didn't know all the facts, and even if he did, he wouldn't have had to lose his mind. But I guess it was so much easier to deal with it all with an insane mind. Was that why I acted the way I acted and gave him the Black Materia? So he would become invincible and I wouldn't have to kill him?

But I did kill him, in the end. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It shouldn't have been, I was face to face with the man who killed my mother and Aeris along with many innocent lives, who was responsible for Zack's death and who destroyed my hometown and was about to destroy the whole world. Yet, I was terrified to lift my sword, not because I was afraid that he would beat me, but because I didn't want to kill him, I was afraid what would happen to me if I killed him. Maybe it was the irritation and anger towards myself and my feelings that finally drove me to my limit, and I slashed my sword through him many times.

Now, I have his fame, his achievements, his strength and everything. I saved the world; I'm a great hero, just like he once was. And here I am, lying on my bed thinking about him, more miserable than I have ever been.

It's been eight years since I first saw his picture, seven years since I first saw him in person, six years since he killed my mother and destroyed my hometown and a year since I killed him.

And I have to confess something. It's taken me eight years to finally realize it, or maybe I knew it from the beginning but I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I disguised it as a desire to be like him, but now I know it's not that, or because we're similar, or because any other pathetic excuse I have been feeding to myself since the beginning. No, the true reason why I can't hate him…

I'm saying this so maybe his soul travelling in the Lifesteam can hear it and forgive me for taking his life.

And I'm apologizing deeply for everyone he has ever hurt, for all the innocent souls that are travelling with him in the Lifesteam.

Mother, Aeris, Zack, everyone, I'm sorry, but I just have to say this.

The true reason why I can't hate him…

…is that I love you, Sephiroth.

**The End**


End file.
